I’m dying here.īruce Willis in GI Joe: Retaliation. Why the hell is it all the way up at No 10?” My answer is this: I agree, but cut me a break.
The smooze series#
The Transformers series is utterly and unforgivably without any merit whatsoever. Every Transformers film has been an incomprehensible, overlong mishmash of damp mythology, impenetrable battle sequences and scene after scene where the camera uncomfortably leers over the bodies of young women. I know what you’re thinking: “But Transformers is terrible. Even my four-year-old hates this, and he’s four, for the love of God. Trolls (2016)Īre Trolls even toys? Aren’t they just pencil toppers, or ornaments designed for murderers to collect? Whatever, they made a Trolls film, and it doubled as a jukebox musical for songs that deserved much better than to end up in a forgettable-to-annoying animated Justin Timberlake vehicle. It was also the third film I ever rented on VHS. It is so bad, it has a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Then came The Garbage Pail Kids Movie, a Gremlins imitation about some dolls that look like they belong in the final scene of Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
The smooze Patch#
Then came the Garbage Pail Kids, a line of flatulent, filthy trading cards that mocked the Cabbage Patch Kids, with names such as Junkfood John and Intense Payne. Where to begin with this? First came the Cabbage Patch Kids, a range of unintentionally terrifying dolls with giant faces. It is the lowest-grossing toy-based film ever theatrically released. Pound Puppies and the Legend of Big Paw operates on the berserk assumption that the children of 1988 wanted nothing more than to watch a bunch of cartoon dogs perform pastiches of 30-year-old rock’n’roll standards. Pound Puppies were toys that looked like dogs, but in the toy-film boom of the 1980s, that was apparently enough to warrant a movie. Pound Puppies and the Legend of Big Paw (1988) And this film is absolutely not worth watching.
There’s a magic belt and some Colour Children, and they’re all in charge of a different colour or something. She is originally a girl called Wisp tasked with bringing colour to a grey world by locating a magical sphere. However, for some reason, she is also the owner of one of the most convoluted mythologies in toy history. Rainbow Brite is a yellow-haired doll who wears colourful clothes. Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer (1985) It didn’t feature a ship insulting the laws of physics by doing a handbrake turn in the middle of the ocean. The world’s dullest board game becomes the world’s most pointless film. Channing Tatum was in it, Joseph Gordon-Levitt was in it, Sienna Miller was in it, but even they couldn’t scrape together anything worth remembering. Once a concussed-looking, moss-haired dullard with no genitals and shifty eyes, the classic action figure was reimagined in GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra as a film you already forgot existed. To make matters worse, the soundtrack contains a song by the Barenaked Ladies. Flung together with little attention paid to tone, plot or continuity, it was released to cash in on a fad while there was money to be made. I’m including this in the list partly because it is loosely based on a Tamagotchi competitor, and partly because it’s terrible. The 39th worst film of all time, according to a reader poll in Empire magazine a decade ago, it hasn’t improved with age.
The smooze tv#
Dungeons & Dragons (2000)Īgain, not to be confused with the animated TV series, this reimagining starred the likes of Thora Birch, Jeremy Irons and one of the guys who played Jimmy Olsen in The New Adventures of Superman. Photograph: Moviestore/Rex/Shutterstock 18.
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